"You mistake me," said Michael. "There is the end of the matter, because I won't discuss it any more, if you treat me like this. Iwill say good night, if you intend to persist in the idea that you can just brush my resolves away like that."This clearly took his father aback; it was a perfectly dignified and proper attitude to take in the face of ridicule, and Lord Ashbridge, though somewhat an adept at the art of self-deception--as, for instance, when he habitually beat the golf professional--could not disguise from himself that his policy had been to laugh and blow away Michael's absurd ideas. But it was abundantly clear at this moment that this apparently easy operation was out of his reach.
He got up with more amenity in his manner than he had yet shown, and laid his hand on Michael's shoulder as he stood in front of him, evidently quite prepared to go away.
"Come, my dear Michael. This won't do," he said. "I thought it best to treat your absurd schemes with a certain lightness, and Ihave only succeeded in irritating you."
Michael was perfectly aware that he had scored. And as his object was to score he made another criticism.
"When you say 'absurd schemes,' sir," he said, with quiet respect, "are you not still laughing at them?"Lord Ashbridge again retreated strategically.
"Very well; I withdraw absurd," he said. "Now sit down again, and we will talk. Tell me what is in your mind."Michael made a great effort with himself. He desired, in the secret, real Michael, to be reasonable and cordial, to behave filially, while all the time his nerves were on edge with his father's ridicule, and with his instinctive knowledge of his father's distaste for him.
"Well, it's like this, father," he said. "I'm doing no good as Iam. I went into the Guards, as you know, because it was the right thing to do. A business man's son is put into business for the same reason. And I'm not good at it."Michael paused a moment.
"My heart isn't in it," he said, "and I dislike it. It seems to me useless. We're for show. And my heart is quite entirely in music.
It's the thing I care for more than anything else."Again he paused; all that came so easily to his tongue when he was speaking to Francis was congealed now when he felt the contempt with which, though unexpressed, he knew he inspired his father.
Lord Ashbridge waited with careful politeness, his eyes fixed on the ceiling, his large person completely filling his chair, just as his atmosphere filled the room. He said nothing at all until the silence rang in Michael's ears.
"That is all I can tell you," he said at length.
Lord Ashbridge carefully conveyed the ash from his cigarette to the fireplace before he spoke. He felt that the time had come for his most impressive effort.
"Very well, then, listen to me," he said. "What you suffer from, Michael, is a mere want of self-confidence and from modesty. You don't seem to grasp--I have often noticed this--who you are and what your importance is--an importance which everybody is willing to recognise if you will only assume it. You have the privileges of your position, which you don't sufficiently value, but you have, also, the responsibilities of it, which I am afraid you are inclined to shirk. You haven't got the large view; you haven't the sense of patriotism. There are a great many things in my position--the position into which you will step--which I would much sooner be without. But we have received a tradition, and we are bound to hand it on intact. You may think that this has nothing to do with your being in the Guards, but it has. We"--and he seemed to swell a little--"we are bound in honour to take the lead in the service of our country, and we must do it whether we like it or not. We have to till, with our own efforts, 'our goodly heritage.' You have to learn the meaning of such words as patriotism, and caste, and duty."Lord Ashbridge thought that he was really putting this very well indeed, and he had the sustaining consciousness of sincerity. He entirely believed what he said, and felt that it must carry conviction to anyone who listened to it with anything like an open mind. The only thing that he did not allow for was that he personally immensely enjoyed his social and dominant position, thinking it indeed the only position which was really worth having.
This naturally gave an aid to comprehension, and he did not take into account that Michael was not so blessed as he, and indeed lacked this very superior individual enlightenment. But his own words kindled the flame of this illumination, and without noticing the blank stolidity of Michael's face he went on with gathering confidence:
"I am sure you are high-minded, my dear Michael," he said. "And it is to your high-mindedness that I--yes, I don't mind saying it--that I appeal. In a moment of unreflectiveness you have thrown overboard what I am sure is real to you, the sense, broadly speaking, that you are English and of the highest English class, and have intended to devote yourself to more selfish and pleasure-loving aims, and to dwell in a tinkle of pleasant sounds that please your ear; and I'm sure I don't wonder, because, as your mother and I both know, you play charmingly. But I feel confident that your better mind does not really confuse the mere diversions of life with its serious issues."Michael suddenly rose to his feet.
"Father, I'm afraid this is no use at all," he said. "All that Ifeel, and all that I can't say, I know is unintelligible to you.
You have called it rubbish once, and you think it is rubbish still."Lord Ashbridge's eloquence was suddenly arrested. He had been cantering gleefully along, and had the very distinct impression of having run up against a stone wall. He dismounted, hurt, but in no way broken.
"I am anxious to understand you, Michael," he said.
"Yes, father, but you don't," said he. "You have been explaining me all wrong. For instance, I don't regard music as a diversion.
That is the only explanation there is of me.""And as regards my wishes and my authority?" asked his father.
