Continental U RSULA WENT on in an unreal suspense, the last weeks before going away.She was not herself, -- she was not anything.
She was something that is going to be -- soon -- soon -- very soon.But as yet, she was only imminent.
She went to see her parents.It was a rather stiff, sad meeting, more like a verification of separateness than a reunion.But they were all vague and indefinite with one another, stiffened in the fate that moved them apart.
She did not really come to until she was on the ship crossing from Dover to Ostend.Dimly she had come down to London with Birkin, London had been a vagueness, so had the train-journey to Dover.It was all like a sleep.
And now, at last, as she stood in the stern of the ship, in a pitch-dark, rather blowy night, feeling the motion of the sea, and watching the small, rather desolate little lights that twinkled on the shores of England, as on the shores of nowhere, watched them sinking smaller and smaller on the profound and living darkness, she felt her soul stirring to awake from its anaesthetic sleep.
`Let us go forward, shall we?' said Birkin.He wanted to be at the tip of their projection.So they left off looking at the faint sparks that glimmered out of nowhere, in the far distance, called England, and turned their faces to the unfathomed night in front.
They went right to the bows of the softly plunging vessel.In the complete obscurity, Birkin found a comparatively sheltered nook, where a great rope was coiled up.It was quite near the very point of the ship, near the black, unpierced space ahead.There they sat down, folded together, folded round with the same rug, creeping in nearer and ever nearer to one another, till it seemed they had crept right into each other, and become one substance.
It was very cold, and the darkness was palpable.
One of the ship's crew came along the deck, dark as the darkness, not really visible.They then made out the faintest pallor of his face.He felt their presence, and stopped, unsure -- then bent forward.When his face was near them, he saw the faint pallor of their faces.Then he withdrew like a phantom.And they watched him without making any sound.
They seemed to fall away into the profound darkness.There was no sky, no earth, only one unbroken darkness, into which, with a soft, sleeping motion, they seemed to fall like one closed seed of life falling through dark, fathomless space.
They had forgotten where they were, forgotten all that was and all that had been, conscious only in their heart, and there conscious only of this pure trajectory through the surpassing darkness.The ship's prow cleaved on, with a faint noise of cleavage, into the complete night, without knowing, without seeing, only surging on.
In Ursula the sense of the unrealised world ahead triumphed over everything.
In the midst of this profound darkness, there seemed to glow on her heart the effulgence of a paradise unknown and unrealised.Her heart was full of the most wonderful light, golden like honey of darkness, sweet like the warmth of day, a light which was not shed on the world, only on the unknown paradise towards which she was going, a sweetness of habitation, a delight of living quite unknown, but hers infallibly.In her transport she lifted her face suddenly to him, and he touched it with his lips.So cold, so fresh, so sea-clear her face was, it was like kissing a flower that grows near the surf.
But he did not know the ecstasy of bliss in fore-knowledge that she knew.To him, the wonder of this transit was overwhelming.He was falling through a gulf of infinite darkness, like a meteorite plunging across the chasm between the worlds.The world was torn in two, and he was plunging like an unlit star through the ineffable rift.What was beyond was not yet for him.He was overcome by the trajectory.
In a trance he lay enfolding Ursula round about.His face was against her fine, fragile hair, he breathed its fragrance with the sea and the profound night.And his soul was at peace; yielded, as he fell into the unknown.This was the first time that an utter and absolute peace had entered his heart, now, in this final transit out of life.
When there came some stir on the deck, they roused.They stood up.How stiff and cramped they were, in the night-time! And yet the paradisal glow on her heart, and the unutterable peace of darkness in his, this was the all-in-all.
They stood up and looked ahead.Low lights were seen down the darkness.
This was the world again.It was not the bliss of her heart, nor the peace of his.It was the superficial unreal world of fact.Yet not quite the old world.For the peace and the bliss in their hearts was enduring.
Strange, and desolate above all things, like disembarking from the Styx into the desolated underworld, was this landing at night.There was the raw, half-lighted, covered-in vastness of the dark place, boarded and hollow underfoot, with only desolation everywhere.Ursula had caught sight of the big, pallid, mystic letters `OSTEND,' standing in the darkness.Everybody was hurrying with a blind, insect-like intentness through the dark grey air, porters were calling in un-English English, then trotting with heavy bags, their colourless blouses looking ghostly as they disappeared; Ursula stood at a long, low, zinc-covered barrier, along with hundreds of other spectral people, and all the way down the vast, raw darkness was this low stretch of open bags and spectral people, whilst, on the other side of the barrier, pallid officials in peaked caps and moustaches were turning the underclothing in the bags, then scrawling a chalk-mark.
It was done.Birkin snapped the hand bags, off they went, the porter coming behind.They were through a great doorway, and in the open night again -- ah, a railway platform! Voices were still calling in inhuman agitation through the dark-grey air, spectres were running along the darkness between the train.
`Koln -- Berlin --' Ursula made out on the boards hung on the high train on one side.
