My dear K----,It is all over,and I know my fate.I told you I would send you word,if anything decisive happened;but an impenetrable mystery hung over the affair till lately.It is at last (by the merest accident in the world)dissipated;and I keep my promise,both for your satisfaction,and for the ease of my own mind.
You remember the morning when I said "I will go and repose my sorrows at the foot of Ben Lomond"--and when from Dumbarton Bridge its giant-shadow,clad in air and sunshine,appeared in view.We had a pleasant day's walk.We passed Smollett's monument on the road (somehow these poets touch one in reflection more than most military heroes)--talked of old times;you repeated Logan's beautiful verses to the cuckoo,*which I wanted to compare with Wordsworth's,but my courage failed me;you then told me some passages of an early attachment which was suddenly broken off;we considered together which was the most to be pitied,a disappointment in love where the attachment was mutual or one where there has been no return,and we both agreed,I think,that the former was best to be endured,and that to have the consciousness of it a companion for life was the least evil of the two,as there was a secret sweetness that took off the bitterness and the sting of regret,and "the memory of what once had been"atoned,in some measure,and at intervals,for what "never more could be."In the other case,there was nothing to look back to with tender satisfaction,no redeeming trait,not even a possibility of turning it to good.It left behind it not cherished sighs,but stifled pangs.The galling sense of it did not bring moisture into the eyes,but dried up the heart ever after.One had been my fate,the other had been yours!
[*--"Sweet bird,thy bower is ever green,Thy sky is ever clear;Thou hast no sorrow in thy song,No winter in thy year."So they begin.It was the month of May;the cuckoo sang shrouded in some woody copse;the showers fell between whiles;my friend repeated the lines with native enthusiasm in a clear manly voice,still resonant of youth and hope.Mr.Wordsworth will excuse me,if in these circumstances I declined entering the field with his profounder metaphysical strain,and kept my preference to myself.]
You startled me every now and then from my reverie by the robust voice,in which you asked the country people (by no means prodigal of their answers)--"If there was any trout fishing in those streams?"--and our dinner at Luss set us up for the rest of our day's march.The sky now became overcast;but this,I think,added to the effect of the scene.
The road to Tarbet is superb.It is on the very verge of the lake--hard,level,rocky,with low stone bridges constantly flung across it,and fringed with birch trees,just then budding into spring,behind which,as through a slight veil,you saw the huge shadowy form of Ben Lomond.It lifts its enormous but graceful bulk direct from the edge of the water without any projecting lowlands,and has in this respect much the advantage of Skiddaw.Loch Lomond comes upon you by degrees as you advance,unfolding and then withdrawing its conscious beauties like an accomplished coquet.You are struck with the point of a rock,the arch of a bridge,the Highland huts (like the first rude habitations of men)dug out of the soil,built of turf,and covered with brown heather,a sheep-cote,some straggling cattle feeding half-way down a precipice;but as you advance farther on,the view expands into the perfection of lake scenery.It is nothing (or your eye is caught by nothing)but water,earth,and sky.Ben Lomond waves to the right,in its simple majesty,cloud-capt or bare,and descending to a point at the head of the lake,shews the Trossacs beyond,tumbling about their blue ridges like woods waving;to the left is the Cobler,whose top is like a castle shattered in pieces and nodding to its ruin;and at your side rise the shapes of round pastoral hills,green,fleeced with herds,and retiring into mountainous bays and upland valleys,where solitude and peace might make their lasting home,if peace were to be found in solitude!That it was not always so,I was a sufficient proof;for there was one image that alone haunted me in the midst of all this sublimity and beauty,and turned it to a mockery and a dream!
The snow on the mountain would not let us ascend;and being weary of waiting and of being visited by the guide every two hours to let us know that the weather would not do,we returned,you homewards,and I to London--"Italiam,Italiam!"
You know the anxious expectations with which I set out:--now hear the result--As the vessel sailed up the Thames,the air thickened with the consciousness of being near her,and I "heaved her name pantingly forth."As I approached the house,I could not help thinking of the lines--"How near am I to a happiness,That earth exceeds not!Not another like it.The treasures of the deep are not so precious As are the conceal'd comforts of a man Lock'd up in woman's love.I scent the air Of blessings when I come but near the house.What a delicious breath true love sends forth!The violet-beds not sweeter.Now for a welcome Able to draw men's envies upon man:A kiss now that will hang upon my lip,As sweet as morning dew upon a rose,And full as long!"I saw her,but I saw at the first glance that there was something amiss.
