Becumin so used up that it couldn't hold goats, that fair and gentle savage put it up at auction.Subsekently it was used as a hospital for sick calves, then as a hencoop, and finally it was put on wheels and is now doin duty as a hack.
I called on Secretary Welles, of the Navy.You know he is quite a mariner himself, havin once owned a Raft of logs on the Connethycut river.So I put on saler stile and hollered: "Ahoy, shipmet! Tip us yer grapplin irons!""Yes, yes!" he sed, nervously, "but mercy on us, don't be so noisy.""Ay, ay, my heart! But let me sing about how Jack Stokes lost his gal:--'The reason why he couldn't gain her, Was becoz he's drunken saler!'
"That's very good, indeed," said the Secky, "but this is hardly the place to sing songs in, my frend.""Let me write the songs of a nashun," sed I, "and I don't care a cuss who goes to the legislater! But I ax your pardon--how's things?""Comfortable, I thank you.I have here," he added, "a copy of the Middletown "Weekly Clarion" of February the 15, containin a report that there isn't much Union sentiment in South Caroliny, but Ihardly credit it."
"Air you well, Mr.Secky," sed I."Is your liver all right? How's your koff?""God bless me!" sed the Secky, risin hastily and glarin wildly at me, "what do you mean?""Oh, nothin partickler.Only it is one of the beauties of a Republican form of gov'ment that a Cabnet offisser can pack up his trunk and go home whenever he's sick.Sure nothin don't ail your liver?" sed I, pokin him putty vilent in the stummick.
I called on Abe.He received me kindly.I handed him my umbreller, and told him I'd have a check for it if he pleased."That," sed he, "puts me in mind of a little story.There was a man, out in our parts who was so mean that he took his wife's coffin out of the back winder for fear he would rub the paint off the doorway.Wall, about this time there was a man in a adjacent town who had a green cotton umbreller.""Did it fit him well? Was it custom made? Was he measured for it?""Measured for what?" said Abe.
"The umbreller?"
"Wall, as I was sayin," continnered the President, treatin the interruption with apparent comtempt, "this man sed he'd known that there umbreller ever since it was a pyrasol.Ha, ha, ha!""Yes," said I, larfin in a respectful manner, "but what has this man with the umbreller to do with the man who took his wife's coffin out of the back winder?""To be sure," said Abe--"what was it? I must have got two stories mixed together, which puts me in mind of another lit--""Never mind, Your Excellency.I called to congratulate you on your career, which has been a honest and a good one--unscared and unmoved by Secesh in front of you and Abbolish at the back of you--each one of which is a little wuss than the other if possible!
"Tell E.Stanton that his boldness, honesty, and vigger merits all praise, but to keep his under-garments on.E.Stanton has appeerently only one weakness, which it is, he can't allus keep his under-garments from flyin up over his hed.I mean that he occasionally dances in a peck-measure, and he don't look graceful at it."I took my departer."Good-bye, old sweetness!" sed Abe, shakin me cordgully by the hand.
"Adoo, my Prahayrie flower!" I replied, and made my exit.
"Twenty-five thousand dollars a year and found," I soliloquized, as I walked down the street, "is putty good wages for a man with a modist appytite, but I reckon that it is wuth it to run the White House.""What you bowt, sah? What the debble you doin, sah?"It was the voice of an Afrikin Brother which thus spoke to me.
There was a cullud procession before me which was escortin a elderly bald-hedded Afrikin to his home in Bates Alley.This distinguished Afrikin Brother had just returned from Lybery, and in turnin a corner puty suddent I hed stumbled and placed my hed agin his stummick in a rather strengthy manner.
"Do you wish to impede the progress of this procession, sah?""Certainly not, by all means! Procesh!"
And they went on.
I'm reconstructing my show.I've bo't a collection of life size wax figgers of our prominent Revolutionary forefathers.I bo't 'em at auction, and got 'em cheap.They stand me about two dollars and fifty cents (2 dols.50 cents) per Revolutionary forefather.
Ever as always yours, A.WARD.
7.7.SCENES OUTSIDE THE FAIR GROUNDS.
There is some fun outside the Fair Ground.Any number of mountebanks have pitched their tents there, and are exhibiting all sorts of monstrosities to large and enthusiastic audiences.There are some eloquent men among the showmen.Some of them are Demosthenic.We looked around among them during the last day we honored the Fair with our brilliant presence, and were rather pleased at some things we heard and witnessed.
The man with the fat woman and the little woman and the little man was there.
"'Ere's a show, now," said he, "worth seeing.'Ere's a entertainment that improves the morals.P.T.Barnum--you've all hearn o' him.What did he say to me? Sez he to me, sez P.T.
Barnum, 'Sir, you have the all-firedest best show travelin!'--and all to be seen for the small sum of fifteen cents!"The man with the blue hog was there.Says he, "Gentle-MEN, this beast can't turn round in a crockery crate ten feet square, and is of a bright indigo blue.Over five hundred persons have seen this wonderful BEING this mornin, and they said as they come out, 'What can these 'ere things be? Is it alive? Doth it breathe and have a being? Ah yes,' they say, 'it is true, and we have saw a entertainment as we never saw afore.'Tis nature's [only fifteen cents--'ere's your change, sir] own sublime hand-works'--and walk right in."The man with the wild mare was there.
