But I think until I know certainly that you do not want me any more it will be impossible for me to marry or to have a lover.I don't know, but that is how I believe it will be with me.And my mind feels beautifully clear now and settled.
I've got your idea and made it my own, your idea that we matter scarcely at all, but that the work we do matters supremely.I'll find my rope and tug it, never fear.Half way round the world perhaps some day you will feel me tugging.""I shall feel you're there," he said, "whether you tug or not....""Three miles left to Exeter," he reported presently.
She glanced back at Belinda.
"It is good that we have loved, my dear," she whispered."Say it is good.""The best thing in all my life," he said, and lowered his head and voice to say: "My dearest dear.""Heart's desire--still--?"
"Heart's delight....Priestess of life....Divinity."She smiled and nodded and suddenly Belinda, up above their lowered heads, accidentally and irrelevantly, no doubt, coughed.
At Exeter Station there was not very much time to spare after all.Hardly had Sir Richmond secured a luncheon basket for the two travellers before the train came into the station.He parted from Miss Grammont with a hand clasp.Belinda was flushed and distressed at the last but her friend was quiet and still."Au revoir," said Belinda without conviction when Sir Richmond shook her hand.
Section 8.
Sir Richmond stood quite still on the platform as the train ran out of the station.He did not move until it had disappeared round the bend.Then he turned, lost in a brown study, and walked very slowly towards the station exit.
"The most wonderful thing in my life," he thought."And already--it is unreal.
"She will go on to her father whom she knows ten thousand times more thoroughly than she knows me; she will go on to Paris, she will pick up all the threads of her old story, be reminded of endless things in her life, but never except in the most casual way of these days: they will be cut off from everything else that will serve to keep them real; and as for me--this connects with nothing else in my life at all....
It is as disconnected as a dream....Already it is hardly more substantial than a dream....
"We shall write letters.Do letters breathe faster or slower as you read them?
"We may meet.
"Where are we likely to meet again?...I never realized before how improbable it is that we shall meet again.And if we meet?...
"Never in all our lives shall we be really TOGETHER again.
It's over--With a completeness....
"Like death."
He came opposite the bookstalls and stopped short and stared with unseeing eyes at the display of popular literature.He was wondering now whether after all he ought to have let her go.He experienced something of the blank amazement of a child who has burst its toy balloon.His golden globe of satisfaction in an instant had gone.An irrational sense of loss was flooding every other feeling about V.V.If she had loved him truly and altogether could she have left him like this? Neither of them surely had intended so complete a separation.He wanted to go back and recall that train.
A few seconds more, he realized, and he would give way to anger.Whatever happened that must not happen.He pulled himself together.What was it he had to do now? He had not to be angry, he had not even to be sorry.They had done the right thing.Outside the station his car was waiting.
He went outside the station and stared at his car.He had to go somewhere.Of course! down into Cornwall to Martin's cottage.He had to go down to her and be kind and comforting about that carbuncle.To be kind?...If this thwarted feeling broke out into anger he might be tempted to take it out of Martin.That at any rate he must not do.He had always for some inexplicable cause treated Martin badly.Nagged her and blamed her and threatened her.That must stop now.No shadow of this affair must lie on Martin....And Martin must never have a suspicion of any of this....
The image of Martin became very vivid in his mind.He thought of her as he had seen her many times, with the tears close, fighting with her back to the wall, with all her wit and vigour gone, because she loved him more steadfastly than he did her.Whatever happened he must not take it out of Martin.
It was astonishing how real she had become now--as V.V.
became a dream.Yes, Martin was astonishingly real.And if only he could go now and talk to Martin--and face all the facts of life with her, even as he had done with that phantom Martin in his dream....
But things were not like that.
He looked to see if his car was short of water or petrol;both needed replenishing, and so he would have to go up the hill into Exeter town again.He got into his car and sat with his fingers on the electric starter.
Martin! Old Friend! Eight days were still left before the Committee met again, eight days for golden kindness.He would distress Martin by no clumsy confession.He would just make her happy as she loved to be made happy....Nevertheless.
Nevertheless....
Was it Martin who failed him or he who failed Martin?
Incessant and insoluble dispute.Well, the thing now was to go to Martin....And then the work!
He laughed suddenly.
"I'll take it out of the damned Commission.I'll make old Rumford Brown sit up."He was astonished to find himself thinking of the affairs of the Commission with a lively interest and no trace of fatigue.He had had his change; he had taken his rest; he was equal to his task again already.He started his engine and steered his way past a van and a waiting cab.
"Fuel," he said.
