In short,my sweetheart,I have explored a whole continent of possibilities,and after carefully weighing all the evidence,am convinced I have a rival.I am deserted--for whom?At all costs I must see the unknown.
July 10th.
Light has come,and it is all over with me.Yes,Renee,at the age of thirty,in the perfection of my beauty,with all the resources of a ready wit and the seductive charms of dress at my command,I am betrayed--and for whom?A large-boned Englishwoman,with big feet and thick waist--a regular British cow!There is no longer room for doubt.
I will tell you the history of the last few days.
Worn out with suspicions,which were fed by Gaston's guilty silence (for,if he had helped a friend,why keep it a secret from me?),his insatiable desire for money,and his frequent journeys to Paris;jealous too of the work from which he seemed unable to tear himself,Iat last made up my mind to take certain steps,of such a degrading nature that I cannot tell you about them.Suffice it to say that three days ago I ascertained that Gaston,when in Paris,visits a house in the Rue de la Ville l'Eveque,where he guards his mistress with jealous mystery,unexampled in Paris.The porter was surly,and Icould get little out of him,but that little was enough to put an end to any lingering hope,and with hope to life.On this point my mind was resolved,and I only waited to learn the whole truth first.
With this object I went to Paris and took rooms in a house exactly opposite the one which Gaston visits.Thence I saw him with my own eyes enter the courtyard on horseback.Too soon a ghastly fact forced itself on me.This Englishwoman,who seems to me about thirty-six,is known as Mme.Gaston.This discovery was my deathblow.
I saw him next walking to the Tuileries with a couple of children.Oh!
my dear,two children,the living images of Gaston!The likeness is so strong that it bears scandal on the face of it.And what pretty children!in their handsome English costumes!She is the mother of his children.Here is the key to the whole mystery.
The woman herself might be a Greek statue,stepped down from some monument.Cold and white as marble,she moves sedately with a mother's pride.She is undeniably beautiful but heavy as a man-of-war.There is no breeding or distinction about her;nothing of the English lady.
Probably she is a farmer's daughter from some wretched and remote country village,or,it may be,the eleventh child of some poor clergyman!
I reached home,after a miserable journey,during which all sorts of fiendish thoughts had me at their mercy,with hardly any life left in me.Was she married?Did he know her before our marriage?Had she been deserted by some rich man,whose mistress she was,and thus thrown back upon Gaston's hands?Conjectures without end flitted through my brain,as though conjecture were needed in the presence of the children.
The next day I returned to Paris,and by a free use of my purse extracted from the porter the information that Mme.Gaston was legally married.
His reply to my question took the form,"Yes,/Miss/."July 15th.
My dear,my love for Gaston is stronger than ever since that morning,and he has every appearance of being still more deeply in love.He is so young!A score of times it has been on my lips,when we rise in the morning,to say,"Then you love me better than the lady of the Rue de la Ville l'Eveque?"But I dare not explain to myself why the words are checked on my tongue.
"Are you very fond of children?"I asked.
"Oh,yes!"was his reply;"but children will come!""What makes you think so?"
"I have consulted the best doctors,and they agree in advising me to travel for a couple of months.""Gaston,"I said,"if love in absence had been possible for me,do you suppose I should ever have left the convent?"He laughed;but as for me,dear,the word "travel"pierced my heart.
Rather,far rather,would I leap from the top of the house than be rolled down the staircase,step by step.--Farewell,my sweetheart.Ihave arranged for my death to be easy and without horrors,but certain.I made my will yesterday.You can come to me now,the prohibition is removed.Come,then,and receive my last farewell.Iwill not die by inches;my death,like my life,shall bear the impress of dignity and grace.
Good-bye,dear sister soul,whose affection has never wavered nor grown weary,but has been the constant tender moonlight of my soul.If the intensity of passion has not been ours,at least we have been spared its venomous bitterness.How rightly you have judged of life!
Farewell.
