MRS. MILLER, entering the drawing-room arm in arm with her hostess:
"Oh, he'll be here directly. I had to let him run back for my fan."
MRS. ROBERTS: "Well, we're very glad to have you to begin with. Let me introduce Dr. Lawton."
MRS. MILLER, in a polite murmur: "Dr. Lawton." In a louder tone:
"O Mr. Roberts!"
LAWTON: "You see, Roberts? The same aggrieved surprise at meeting you here that I felt."
MRS. MILLER: "What in the world do you mean?"
LAWTON: "Don't you think that when a husband is present at his wife's dinner party he repeats the mortifying superfluity of a bridegroom at a wedding?"
MRS. MILLER: "I'm SURE I don't know what you mean. I should never think of giving a dinner without Mr. Miller."
LAWTON: "No?" A ring is heard. "There's Bemis."
MRS. MILLER: "It's Mr. Miller."
MRS. ROBERTS: "Aunt Mary at last!" As she bustles toward the door:
"Edward, there are twelve--Aunt Mary and Willis."
ROBERTS: "Oh, yes. I totally forgot Willis."
LAWTON: "Who's Willis?"
ROBERTS: "Willis? Oh, Willis is my wife's brother. We always have him."
LAWTON: "Oh, yes, Campbell."
MRS. ROBERTS, without: "Mr. Bemis! So kind of you to come on Christmas."
MR. BEMIS, without: "So kind of you to ask us houseless strangers."
MRS. ROBERTS, without: "I ran out here, thinking it was my aunt.
She's played us a trick, and hasn't come yet."
BEMIS, entering the drawing-room with Mrs. Roberts: "I hope she won't fail altogether. I haven't met her for twenty years, and I counted so much upon the pleasure--Hello, Lawton!"
LAWTON: "Hullo, old fellow!" They fly at each other, and shake hands. "Glad to see you again.
BEMIS, reaching his left hand to MR. ROBERTS, while MR. LAWTON keeps his right: "Ah! Mr. Roberts."
LAWTON: "Oh, never mind HIM. He's merely the husband of the hostess."
MRS. MILLER, to ROBERTS: "What DOES he mean?"
ROBERTS: "Oh, nothing. Merely a joke he's experimenting with."
LAWTON to BEMIS: "Where's your boy?"
BEMIS: "He'll be here directly. He preferred to walk. Where's your girl?"
LAWTON: "Oh, she'll come by and by. She preferred to drive."
MRS. ROBERTS, introducing them: "Mr. Bemis, have you met Mrs.
Miller?" She drifts away again, manifestly too uneasy to resume even a provisional pose on the sofa, and walks detachedly about the room.
BEMIS: "What a lovely apartment Mrs. Roberts has."
MRS. MILLER: "Exquisite! But then she has such perfect taste."
BEMIS, to MRS. ROBERTS, who drifts near them: "We were talking about your apartment, Mrs. Roberts. It's charming."
MRS. ROBERTS: "It IS nice. It's the ideal way of living. All on one floor. No stairs. Nothing."
BEMIS: "Yes, when once you get here! But that little matter of five pair up" - MRS. ROBERTS: "You don't mean to say you WALKED up! Why in the world didn't you take the elevator?"
BEMIS: "I didn't know you had one."
MRS. ROBERTS: "It's the only thing that makes life worth living in a flat. All these apartment hotels have them."
BEMIS: "Bless me! Well, you see, I've been away from Boston so long, and am back so short a time, that I can't realize your luxuries and conveniences. In Florence we ALWAYS walk up. They have ascenseurs in a few great hotels, and they brag of it in immense signs on the sides of the building."
LAWTON: "What pastoral simplicity! We are elevated here to a degree that you can't conceive of, gentle shepherd. Has yours got an air-cushion, Mrs. Roberts?"
MRS. ROBERTS: "An air-cushion? What's that?"
LAWTON: "The only thing that makes your life worth a moment's purchase in an elevator. You get in with a glass of water, a basket of eggs, and a file of the 'Daily Advertiser.' They cut the elevator loose at the top, and you drop."
BOTH LADIES: "Oh!"
LAWTON: "In three seconds you arrive at the ground-floor, reading your file of the 'Daily Advertiser;' not an egg broken nor a drop spilled. I saw it done in a New York hotel. The air is compressed under the elevator, and acts as a sort of ethereal buffer."
MRS. ROBERTS: "And why don't we always go down in that way?"
LAWTON: "Because sometimes the walls of the elevator shaft give out."
MRS. ROBERTS: "And what then?"
LAWTON: "Then the elevator stops more abruptly. I had a friend who tried it when this happened."
MRS. ROBERTS: "And what did he do?"
LAWTON: "Stepped out of the elevator; laughed; cried; went home; got into bed: and did not get up for six weeks. Nervous shock. He was fortunate."
MRS. MILLER: "I shouldn't think you'd want an air-cushion on YOUR elevator, Mrs. Roberts."
MRS. ROBERTS: "No, indeed! Horrid!" The bell rings. "Edward, YOU go and see if that's Aunt Mary."
MRS. MILLER: "It's Mr. Miller, I know."
BEMIS: "Or my son."
LAWTON: "My voice is for Mrs. Roberts's brother. I've given up all hopes of my daughter."
ROBERTS, without: "Oh, Curwen! Glad to see you! Thought you were my wife's aunt."
LAWTON, at a suppressed sigh from MRS. ROBERTS: "It's one of his jokes, Mrs. Roberts. Of course it's your aunt."
MRS. ROBERTS, through her set teeth, smilingly: "Oh, if it IS, I'll make him suffer for it."
MR. CURWEN, without: "No, I hated to wait, so I walked up."
LAWTON: "It is Mr. Curwen, after all, Mrs. Roberts. Now let me see how a lady transmutes a frown of threatened vengeance into a smile of society welcome."
MRS. ROBERTS: "Well, look!" To MR. CURWEN, who enters, followed by her husband: "Ah, Mr. Curwen! So glad to see you. You know all our friends here--Mrs. Miller, Dr. Lawton, and Mr. Bemis?"
CURWEN, smiling and bowing, and shaking hands right and left: "Very glad--very happy--pleased to know you."
MRS. ROBERTS, behind her fan to Dr. Lawton: "Didn't I do it beautifully?"
LAWTON, behind his hand: "Wonderfully! And so unconscious of the fact that he hasn't his wife with him."
MRS. ROBERTS, in great astonishment, to Mr. Curwen: "Where in the world is Mrs. Curwen?"
