If inspiration comes at forty, it will be a hundred pities to have tied up my money-bag at thirty.""Well, I give you till forty," said Cecilia."It 's only a word to the wise, a notification that you are expected not to run your course without having done something handsome for your fellow-men."Nine o'clock sounded, and Bessie, with each stroke, courted a closer embrace.But a single winged word from her mother overleaped her successive intrenchments.She turned and kissed her cousin, and deposited an irrepressible tear on his moustache.
Then she went and said her prayers to her mother: it was evident she was being admirably brought up.Rowland, with the permission of his hostess, lighted a cigar and puffed it awhile in silence.
Cecilia's interest in his career seemed very agreeable.
That Mallet was without vanity I by no means intend to affirm;but there had been times when, seeing him accept, hardly less deferentially, advice even more peremptory than the widow's, you might have asked yourself what had become of his vanity.
Now, in the sweet-smelling starlight, he felt gently wooed to egotism.
There was a project connected with his going abroad which it was on his tongue's end to communicate.It had no relation to hospitals or dormitories, and yet it would have sounded very generous.
But it was not because it would have sounded generous that poor Mallet at last puffed it away in the fumes of his cigar.
Useful though it might be, it expressed most imperfectly the young man's own personal conception of usefulness.He was extremely fond of all the arts, and he had an almost passionate enjoyment of pictures.He had seen many, and he judged them sagaciously.
It had occurred to him some time before that it would be the work of a good citizen to go abroad and with all expedition and secrecy purchase certain valuable specimens of the Dutch and Italian schools as to which he had received private proposals, and then present his treasures out of hand to an American city, not unknown to ; aesthetic fame, in which at that time there prevailed a good deal of fruitless aspiration toward an art-museum.
He had seen himself in imagination, more than once, in some mouldy old saloon of a Florentine palace, turning toward the deep embrasure of the window some scarcely-faded Ghirlandaio or Botticelli, while a host in reduced circumstances pointed out the lovely drawing of a hand.But he imparted none of these visions to Cecilia, and he suddenly swept them away with the declaration that he was of course an idle, useless creature, and that he would probably be even more so in Europe than at home."The only thing is,"he said, "that there I shall seem to be doing something.
I shall be better entertained, and shall be therefore, I suppose, in a better humor with life.You may say that that is just the humor a useless man should keep out of.
He should cultivate discontentment.I did a good many things when I was in Europe before, but I did not spend a winter in Rome.
Every one assures me that this is a peculiar refinement of bliss; most people talk about Rome in the same way.
It is evidently only a sort of idealized form of loafing:
a passive life in Rome, thanks to the number and the quality of one's impressions, takes on a very respectable likeness to activity.It is still lotus-eating, only you sit down at table, and the lotuses are served up on rococo china.
It 's all very well, but I have a distinct prevision of this--that if Roman life does n't do something substantial to make you happier, it increases tenfold your liability to moral misery.
It seems to me a rash thing for a sensitive soul deliberately to cultivate its sensibilities by rambling too often among the ruins of the Palatine, or riding too often in the shadow of the aqueducts.
In such recreations the chords of feeling grow tense, and after-life, to spare your intellectual nerves, must play upon them with a touch as dainty as the tread of Mignon when she danced her egg-dance.""I should have said, my dear Rowland," said Cecilia, with a laugh, "that your nerves were tough, that your eggs were hard!""That being stupid, you mean, I might be happy? Upon my word I am not.
I am clever enough to want more than I 've got.I am tired of myself, my own thoughts, my own affairs, my own eternal company.
True happiness, we are told, consists in getting out of one's self;but the point is not only to get out--you must stay out;and to stay out you must have some absorbing errand.
Unfortunately, I 've got no errand, and nobody will trust me with one.
I want to care for something, or for some one.And I want to care with a certain ardor; even, if you can believe it, with a certain passion.
I can't just now feel ardent and passionate about a hospital or a dormitory.
Do you know I sometimes think that I 'm a man of genius, half finished?
The genius has been left out, the faculty of expression is wanting;but the need for expression remains, and I spend my days groping for the latch of a closed door.""What an immense number of words," said Cecilia after a pause, "to say you want to fall in love! I 've no doubt you have as good a genius for that as any one, if you would only trust it.""Of course I 've thought of that, and I assure you I hold myself ready.But, evidently, I 'm not inflammable.
Is there in Northampton some perfect epitome of the graces?""Of the graces?" said Cecilia, raising her eyebrows and suppressing too distinct a consciousness of being herself a rosy embodiment of several.
"The household virtues are better represented.There are some excellent girls, and there are two or three very pretty ones.
I will have them here, one by one, to tea, if you like.""I should particularly like it; especially as I should give you a chance to see, by the profundity of my attention, that if I am not happy, it 's not for want of taking pains."Cecilia was silent a moment; and then, "On the whole,"she resumed, "I don't think there are any worth asking.
