Let her come when she will,she is to me welcomer than light,than life;but let it be in her own sweet time,and at her own dear pleasure."Betsey also told me she was "so glad to get the books back."I,however,sobered and wavered (by degrees)from seeing nothing of her,day after day;and in less than a week I was devoted to the Infernal Gods.I could hold out no longer than the Monday evening following.Isent a message to her;she returned an ambiguous answer;but she came up.Pity me,my friend,for the shame of this recital.Pity me for the pain of having ever had to make it!If the spirits of mortal creatures,purified by faith and hope,can (according to the highest assurances)ever,during thousands of years of smooth-rolling eternity and balmy,sainted repose,forget the pain,the toil,the anguish,the helplessness,and the despair they have suffered here,in this frail being,then may I forget that withering hour,and her,that fair,pale form that entered,my inhuman betrayer,and my only earthly love!She said,"Did you wish to speak to me,Sir?"I said,"Yes,may I not speak to you?I wanted to see you and be friends."I rose up,offered her an arm-chair which stood facing,bowed on it,and knelt to her adoring.
She said (going)"If that's all,I have nothing to say."I replied,"Why do you treat me thus?What have I done to become thus hateful to you?"ANSWER,"I always told you I had no affection for you."You may suppose this was a blow,after the imaginary honey-moon in which Ihad passed the preceding week.I was stunned by it;my heart sunk within me.I contrived to say,"Nay,my dear girl,not always neither;for did you not once (if I might presume to look back to those happy,happy times),when you were sitting on my knee as usual,embracing and embraced,and I asked if you could not love me at last,did you not make answer,in the softest tones that ever man heard,'I COULD EASILY SAYSO,WHETHER I DID OR NOT;YOU SHOULD JUDGE BY MY ACTIONS!'Was I to blame in taking you at your word,when every hope I had depended on your sincerity?And did you not say since I came back,'YOUR FEELINGS TO MEWERE THE SAME AS EVER?'Why then is your behaviour so different?"S.
"Is it nothing,your exposing me to the whole house in the way you did the other evening?"H."Nay,that was the consequence of your cruel reception of me,not the cause of it.I had better have gone away last year,as I proposed to do,unless you would give some pledge of your fidelity;but it was your own offer that I should remain.'Why should Igo?'you said,'Why could we not go on the same as we had done,and say nothing about the word FOREVER?'"S."And how did you behave when you returned?"H."That was all forgiven when we last parted,and your last words were,'I should find you the same as ever'when I came home?
Did you not that very day enchant and madden me over again by the purest kisses and embraces,and did I not go from you (as I said)adoring,confiding,with every assurance of mutual esteem and friendship?"S.
"Yes,and in your absence I found that you had told my aunt what had passed between us."H."It was to induce her to extort your real sentiments from you,that you might no longer make a secret of your true regard for me,which your actions (but not your words)confessed."S.
"I own I have been guilty of improprieties,which you have gone and repeated,not only in the house,but out of it;so that it has come to my ears from various quarters,as if I was a light character.And I am determined in future to be guided by the advice of my relations,and particularly of my aunt,whom I consider as my best friend,and keep every lodger at a proper distance."You will find hereafter that her favourite lodger,whom she visits daily,had left the house;so that she might easily make and keep this vow of extraordinary self-denial.
Precious little dissembler!Yet her aunt,her best friend,says,"No,Sir,no;Sarah's no hypocrite!"which I was fool enough to believe;and yet my great and unpardonable offence is to have entertained passing doubts on this delicate point.I said,Whatever errors I had committed,arose from my anxiety to have everything explained to her honour:my conduct shewed that I had that at heart,and that I built on the purity of her character as on a rock.My esteem for her amounted to adoration.
"She did not want adoration."It was only when any thing happened to imply that I had been mistaken,that I committed any extravagance,because I could not bear to think her short of perfection."She was far from perfection,"she replied,with an air and manner (oh,my God!)as near it as possible."How could she accuse me of a want of regard to her?It was but the other day,Sarah,"I said to her,"when that little circumstance of the books happened,and I fancied the expressions your sister dropped proved the sincerity of all your kindness to me--you don't know how my heart melted within me at the thought,that after all,I might be dear to you.New hopes sprung up in my heart,and I felt as Adam must have done when his Eve was created for him!""She had heard enough of that sort of conversation,"(moving towards the door).This,I own,was the unkindest cut of all.I had,in that case,no hopes whatever.I felt that I had expended words in vain,and that the conversation below stairs (which I told you of when I saw you)had spoiled her taste for mine.If the allusion had been classical I should have been to blame;but it was ural,it was a sort of religious courtship,and Miss L.is religious!
At once he took his Muse and dipt her Right in the middle of the Scripture.
