Yes.Is the executioner who lets down the knife on the neck of the condemned criminal to be called an assassin? No! Well, then Ishall be the executioner and nothing else.I rose from the bench where I had shed my last tears of resolution and cowardice--for thus I regarded those hot tears to which I now appeal, as a last proof that I was not born for what I have done.
While walking back to Paris, I multiplied and reiterated my arguments.Sometimes I succeeded in silencing a voice within me, stronger than my reasoning and my longing for vengeance, a voice which pronounced the words formerly uttered by my aunt: "Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord God." And if there be no God? And if there be, is not the fault His, for He has let this thing be? Yes, such were my wild words and thoughts; and then all these scruples of my conscience appeared to me mere vain, futile quibbles, fitting for philosophers and confessors.
There remained one indisputable, absolute fact; I could not endure that the murderer of my father should continue to be the husband of my mother.
There was a second no less evident fact; I could not place this man in the hands of justice without, probably, killing my mother on the spot, or, quite certainly, laying her whole life waste.Therefore I would have to be my own tribunal, judge, and executioner in my own cause.What mattered to me the arguments for or against? Iwas bound to give heed first to my final instinct, and it cried out to me "Kill!"I walked fast, keeping my mind fixed on this idea with a kind of tragic pleasure, for I felt that my irresolution was gone, and that I should act.All of a sudden, as I came close to the Arc de Triomphe, I remembered how, on that very spot, I had met one of my club companions for the last time.He shot himself the next day.
Why did this remembrance suddenly suggest to me a series of new thoughts?
I stopped short with a beating heart.I had caught a glimpse of the way of safety.Fool that I had been, led away as usual by an undisciplined imagination! My stepfather should die.I had sentenced him in the name of my inalienable right as an avenging son; but could I not condemn him to die by his own hand? Had I not that in my possession which would drive him to suicide? If I went to him without any more reserves or circumlocution, and if I said to him, "I hold the proof that you are the murderer of my father.
I give you the choice--either you will kill yourself, or I denounce you to my mother," what would his answer be? He, who loved his wife with that reciprocated devotion by which I had suffered so much, would he consent that she should know the truth, that she should regard him as a base, cowardly assassin? No, never; he would rather die.
My heart, weary and worn with pain, rushed towards this door of hope, so suddenly opened."I shall have done my duty," I thought, "and I shall have no blood on my hands.My conscience will not be stained." I experienced an immense relief from the weight of foreseen remorse that had caused me such agony, and I went on drawing a picture of the future, freed at last from one dark image which had veiled the sunshine of my youth."He will kill himself;my mother will weep for him; but I shall be able to dry her tears.
Her heart will bleed, but I will heal the wound with the balm of my tenderness.When the assassin is no longer there, she and I will live over again all the dear time that he stole from us, and then Ishall be able to show her how I love her.The caresses which I did not give her when I was a child, because the other froze me by his mere presence, I will give her then; the words which I did not speak, the tender words that were stopped upon my lips, she shall hear then.We will leave Paris, and get rid of these sad remembrances.We will retire to some quiet spot, far, far away, where she will have none but me, I none but her, and I will devote myself to her old age.What do I want with any other love, with any other tie? Suffering softens the heart; her grief will make her love me more.Ah! how happy we shall be." But once more the voice within resumed: "What if the wretch refuse to kill himself?
What if he were not to believe me when I threaten to denounce him?"Had I not been acting for months as his accomplice in maintaining the deceit practiced upon my mother? Did he not know how much Iloved her, he who had been jealous of me as her son, as I had been jealous of him as her husband? Would he not answer: "Denounce me!"being well assured that I would not deal such a blow at the poor woman? To these objections I replied, that, whereas I had suspected previously, now I knew.No, he will not be entirely convinced that the evidence I hold will make me dare everything.
Well then, if he refuse, I shall have attempted the impossible to avoid murder--let destiny be accomplished!
